if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
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Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Herpes is trending, good job people
good morning
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Jogging
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.