wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
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Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
#growingpains
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over