Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
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Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite