My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
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[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.