Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
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shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing鈥檚 happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can鈥檛 be right.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 馃檮馃檮馃槀
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops