I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
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Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.