This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
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My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Butt weight. There’s more!
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”