Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
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There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.