I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
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[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids