instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
You Might Also Like
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy