It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
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Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”