One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
You Might Also Like
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9