i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
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Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Oh we’ve met.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling