Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
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If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”