[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
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Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
my dad has had enough
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying