The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
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condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.