Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
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I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.