what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
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I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
This bar smells like my childhood.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak