AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
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Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
Yup
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE