Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
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My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No