You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
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“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
#SaturdayBears
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.