Respect
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
😂😂😂