Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
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“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”