*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
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Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Free him
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda