feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
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Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting