Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
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My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
He wanted to make sure😂
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
knights of the ikea table