I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
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My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
#oldknees
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car