[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
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pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.