What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
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My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
Raisins are grape jerky.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁