That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
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[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.