Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
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All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
wow he looks just like him
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you