imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
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Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!