I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
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Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Its true…
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
When you’ve simply given up.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.