I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
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I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)