[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
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Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
*puts my mental health in rice
getting corrected
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.