i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
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What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy