If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
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Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”