Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
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Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Is fake venison called venisn’t
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Every house has this drawer
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you