You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
You Might Also Like
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
*frowns in Scottish*
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
The game has officially changed 😎
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.