Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
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you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
When you don’t understand how floors work
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.