A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
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Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me