Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
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the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?