Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
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hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby