Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
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*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
🙄😏😂🤣
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
I love it all
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Another interesting #factupdates post!
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time