[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
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IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
figuring out my emotional availability:
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.