My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
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Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose