Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
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Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth