♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
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I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?