*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
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[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
WWE is French for “yes”
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point