If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
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I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it